xopiatexeyesx

Last Night

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 02:07:58 GMT

So i don't know if I should be freaked out or laughing about last night but it was crazy.

We were having this party at this guy from works house which he rents from the owner of the place we all work, and at first it was chill and there was a lot of alcohol and a little weed, but in walk about 20 black people with an ounce on each of them and next thing we know there are blunts in everyones hands.
Things sound pretty chill now too right?

Yeah.
but then?

The fucking owner of the restaraunt that we all work for walks in. I fucking blew smoke in her face. And no one could do anything but just stare at her. She threatened to call the cops so we all dipped out shit faced and we went to some crackhead motel in the middle of the ghtto and I don't think any of us have a job anymore.
So at first it was funny but now it's just like 'what the fuck am i doing?'. I don't know. I just had to get that down somewhere.

I mean imagine being drunk off your ass and your boss walks in and at first you think she's there to party but then you realize you have a blunt in your hand and you're underage drinking.
and to top it all off she says that five people on night shift at the restaraunt are already under investigation.
CRAZY. right?

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 17:49:46 GMT

I don't understand my parents or the way they treat what they like to call my gay issue.
They say that they love me but they can't support me and I can never bring a girlfriend around them or into their home.
And instead of getting mad at them, I"m just going to take what I'm learning and how I'm feeling and use it.
When I have children I pray to God that they're comfortable in their own skin, that they feel safe enough to be who they want to be around me. That they feel good enough to be free and not care what society or anyone else is going to think about them. I hope they fall in love one day with a person. I don't care if it's a boy or if it's a girl, if they're black or white I just hope they find love that makes them feel like everyday is worth living because it is. And I hope I can make them feel like everyday is worth living. And not just when I have kids, I hope my friends are comfortable enough with me that they can tell me anything and know that i'll try my best not to judge them. I hope I make it easier for you to wake up the morning after a hard day because you know that at least there's one person there for you. And I don't care who you are, but I'm here for you and I will be until I'm not breathing anymore. I want to be the kind of person who makes everyone around me happy.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 04:19:37 GMT

I know death has an impact on everyone, and we all handle it in different ways, but I'm so fucking tired of all of my friends feeling sorry for themselves.
Kristin's mom died Saturday, and yesterday this guy we all went to school with went too, and all my they say: 'I just feel like dying, I don't know what I'm doing in life, I don't know where I am'

at least we get to fucking live. We have everything and you act like it's shit.
yeah I wish I knew what I want out of life, where I'm going to end up and who I'm going to end up there with,
but at least I get to answer all of those questions. I get to live.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 04:39:08 GMT

I went bowling with my friends and it was fun.

and I love Nicole for our meaningful and our completely pointless conversations, so here's a picture of us with a cup stuck to our face:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v322/Lorien211/bestfriends.jpg

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 05:48:12 GMT

I know at one time Paige really did love me, because of the way she looked at me. I can still see it and it made me smile so big and I know that's how she knew I loved her. And that look wasn't completely gone when she said it was over, it was just replaced with one of defeat so I know she didn't want to end it and I'm going to leave this at that for now because it's been 3 months since we said it and it still feels like yesterday.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 02:30:10 GMT

I can't do this forever.
I need to straighten up so I can get OUT.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 01:38:23 GMT

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
And now you're outside me you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road, from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 04:12:44 GMT

Things are really good for me right now.
I mean, really fucking good, and I feel like I shouldn't get to into it because it never lasts...but things have never been like this. I'm waiting until our relationship takes one of those tragic twists or for her to lose intrest in me, or me lose interest in her but I'm not doing that this time. I love her, and I can honestly say that I mean that.

school

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 03:50:47 GMT

18 days until we go back to school.
Someone hand me a time machine so I can get back sooner?
I miss my girl

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 01:38:13 GMT

I'm so tired lately,
like..I sleep all the fucking time
and I don't understand it.

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 02:40:14 GMT

I miss Paige
and I wish her parents didn't like it in the ass so much.

shit

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 02:28:06 GMT

there's so much shit going on right now,
school is just getting old and pointless for me.
i'm failing geometry, and they say if i don't pass it i don't graduate,
and sometimes i just don't care.
i just stare off into space and think about what it's gonna be like when i do get out of here,
then somebody brings me back to reality and tells me that i'm not going anywhere without my 'education'.
it's crazy and it's bullshit and i don't understand why i just don't give a fuck,
but i really don't.
and i'm thinking part of me has to care for me to be writing about it,
but it's so far down that i can't reach the part of me that cares enough to try anymore.

i guess that's it?

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 01:20:52 GMT

Sometimes I think I'm just a bitch. I don't know. I haven't updated this in a while. I'm sorry, for lack of updates. I read other people's journals, so I don't wanna seem like this weird fuck up who doesn't have a life, so I'm gonna update this shit more often. I hope everyone's good? Yeah?

The real world, I don't know why I watch it. It's not real. Maybe it is. Fuck I'm tired,

I guess I'm going to school tomorrow? I can't afford to miss the days.

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 22:12:09 GMT

I met this girl over spring break who I completely fell for within like, three days. It ended as soon as it started. She said I was too shy physically for her. How can you help that? How do you know who's supposed to make the first move? So confusing. When I met her, she was like, so sure of herself, but now she's got this question mark over her head. What's with that? *shrugs*
I found kiddie pics of me, how awesome. Look at them? Kiddie me:

Big me:

And if that’s too scary for you, here’s my adorable cousin Kallie trying to be all emo =P

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 03:31:22 GMT

I don't know why I thought we had something. Fuck me and my not wanting to display affection, not trying to hold her hand and kiss her, fuck me and my open heart, fuck me for being soft and getting attatched to people..fuck me for caring about where she is right now and who she's with and what she's doing. Fuck me for wasting my time trying to write shit about her, fuck me for wasting my time thinking about her. Fuck me for still wanting to be her friend, and for still letting her get to me. Fuck me for believeing her when she says: 'I'll call you tomorrow'. Fuck me for tearing out these pages of my book, the one I never tear stuff out of because that's how bad I let it hurt me. Fuck me for letting it hurt me. Fuck me for not stopping this. Fuck me for the long ass drives and not knowing where I was going just to get to see her. FUCK me for being me. Fuck everything. Fuck bisexual girls, KNOW the fuck what you are before you let someone fall in love with you. Fuck me for hurting someone I loved who actually loved me back to have something here, in the now. This fucking sucks.

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 02:43:36 GMT

you know what?

neither do I.

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 03:22:00 GMT

If we're snowed in for school tomorrow, I'm killing myself. I'm making my will now. Anyone want anything? First come, first serve.
Seriously, being stuck in this house is so boring. Save me?

why

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 01:55:47 GMT

Why can't I have her? I promissed myself I wouldn't cry over her. I'm almost in tears for the stupidest fucking reason ever. Tonight was the powderpuff game. Juniors vs. Seniors where the girls are the foootball players and the guys were cheerleaders. Kristin was a football player. I don't know why the hell I didn't sign up, but I didn't. After the game, everyone was talking and it was ovbvious I was in a bad mood and I didn't even get a 'hey' from her. I was with her friends RIGHT FUCKING THERE. Venisha saw I didn't feel good so she gave me a hug. I love her so much for that. Thank you venisha even though she doesn't read tis. No one knows this personality fucking exists. I hate this life. WHY CANT I HAVE HER? WHy the hell do I have to fall for someone so out of reach...someone so fucking out of my reach that it makes me fucking cry? I'm so sick of this but I can't fall out of love with her. I've tried. I've tried to fall out of love with her and I just fucking can't. I'm dying inside.

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 21:58:11 GMT

Shall we let our thoughts flow?
I will

Mommy can I lay with you? It's storming in my heart and I'm so afraid of thunder. Momma, come back...I said I swear I'm not crazy, no I'm not crazy. You wanna see my scars mommy? Do you want to hold me and kiss them for everytime you weren't there? You bought the blade that pierced me.

She wishes she could tell her father but he'd never understand.She used to be his little angel, now she's just a burried past thats sinking him in his own quick sand.She only wants him to hold her while she sings to him her poetry as the melody falls from her eyes. Oh so sweet. Oh so beautiful. You look just like your mother.

Fuck you lovely. I want to hit you in the face.

You'll never be as perfect as your sister.

They left some pieces out with you you see, and I say, 'but daddy, that's why I'm beautiful...' and he smiles and kisses her self esteem.

Kill that spider for me. That's right daddy, remember when I used to need you? Will you come kill that spider for me? There's a spider in the bathroom daddy, and I'm afraid to touch it. Step on it with your big brown shoe like you stepped on me.

Sister can I kiss your forhead, then spit in the water and drink you in? I need to hold you..maybe you're being will rub off on me. Shake me please...make me normal again.

Daddy's temper is not all my fault. I think he cares too much.

hold me, shake me, shove me

i said don't fucking touch me

just let me cry.

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 01:30:58 GMT

They think the pills are breaking this frown,

but my smile is about as fake as your lies.

Medicated tissues, dry my eyes and I can see straight through myself again.

I've got transparent ways and they all just look right through me.

I can't find myself so I pretend to be real. It's fake you know.

Break down these walls of superficial smiles and all you've got is crying eyes.

Daddy's little girl has blood in her tears....

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 23:45:29 GMT

why do i sound like a giddy little fuck up when i talk about her? Maybe that's wh at I am...a giddy little fuck up. This crush is going on for so long and I'm just getting tired of shit. Why can't I come out and tell her already? or at least tell someone except my best friend. I want someone to know so I can talk to someoen about it, so I tell Kea (my best frind) now that feels so good having someone to talk to about it...so i want to tell more people but I'm so fucking scared of losing Kristin (yeah, I'll say her name) It's been too long to just give the fuck up now. She's so amazing. Her eyes, they freeze me. They're the color of ice and I can't even begin to describe them. They're so blue...and even more so when she's sad. I don't knwo why I'm trying to write about her. I don't know why I'm trying to write at all. I used to write about everything. And I made it so good and poetic and I felt so wonderful after I had written something but I'm changing. I'm changing and I fucking hate it. I want the old me back. what happened?

waiting for tomorrow

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 21:20:03 GMT

So ms. Perfect was all over me Friday and it was so awesome. I forgot wheat I said, but I said something to her...and our friends locked us in this little stairway because they know she can kick my ass, so she's all up in my face and we're cracking up the whole time, and she pused me under the staircase and pinned me and omg it was so awesome. I knew she wasn't serous cause she kept laughing, plus she could kick my ass anyday if she wanted to and I would just let her because that means she's touching me. Tomorrow I'm telling her next time she's that close to my face, I' m going to fucking stick my tounge down her throat. If she does, I can do it and say: 'I warned you' and I can kiss her. I just hope she doesn't STOP the whole in my face shit. *sigh* God I love it when she touchs me.

Fall To Pieces

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 15:54:16 GMT

Fuck predictable people...it's just not fun anymore. I hate my friends. They are so god damn stupid. I want them to just fuck off. How hard is it to understand that I don't want to fucking talk to someone. Yeah, I'm not too happy right now but I wish they'd stop fucking asking me what's wrong. Maybe if you weren't so god damn close minded, I'd be able to tell you my problems without fear of you looking down on me. Why do I even care what they think? Because they're all I have. Fuck them. I miss my grandmother...haha isn't that funny? The one person I could talk to is fucking dead. What a happy fucking life. Thank you.

It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been alone here
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling
I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Pull My Hair

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 03:39:35 GMT

Did I mention how much I am in love with her? This week is fall break. I haven't seen her or talked to her or been able to touch or be touched by her and I miss it so fucking much. Someone touch me.

I feel my weary heart is put to rest
You gather around your friends
The connection that you feel
It'll seem more like a song
And less like it's math
When you pull on my hair
And bite me like that
It'll seem more like a song

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 01:02:12 GMT

I had the BEST day of my life today. Someone congratulate me.